Joser Funny Status Messages

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

   efore deciding whether you will stay up all night, you should sleep on it.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.

   My life coach just benched me.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".