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My superpower is common decency. 
Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.
I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day
You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.
I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...
Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.
I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.
Don't worry guy's, my family could hold off North Korea by ourselves......
I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.
Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case
The only good part about some people is forgetting them.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev
How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.
time to buy a mother's day gift with my mom's money :)
"I've been thinking." - Women, right before sh*t gets real.
The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.
Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.
rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."
Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.
The Dish Network had an ad I just saw where they say they have "the fastest growing subscribership!" Uh, when you're the company with the fewest subscribers, you have the best chance of people saying, "F*ck it, haven't tried these morons yet." 