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I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted 
Fastest way to get through a crowd: Walk fast, look worried, and yell"Timmy? TIMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU TIMMY?!".
untangling apples headphones in under 30 seconds should qualify you for surgery in most countries
I consider myself a gentleman I repeatedly opened the car door for my ex especially on curvy roads RJ
Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3
There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.
No, I'm not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.
Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas….It's a great position all year round!
Banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies.
: If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!
I Hate It When I Go To Bed And Forget To Turn My Swag Off.
Looked over and saw a giant frickin' spider crawling on my shoulder, so if anyone needs me I'll be over here NEVER SLEEPING EVER AGAIN EVER.
eaten so much Halloween candy that next week it will look like I'm going through puberty again. Hey, maybe this time I will get boobs!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.
wrote a letter to my love, and on my way I caught him, kicked him in his special place, and shoved it in his pocket! goodbye cheater
dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?
You can attract flies with honey, but you get more honeys if your fly!
Men are only as loyal as their options.
how are you supposed to read lady gaga's po po po po poker face, if it's all covered up with all that wierd cr*p? 