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I still think Catholics should modernize and elect new Popes with a reality TV show. 
My insurance is so bad, I pay a co-pay to watch Dr. Oz
Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.
better to let people know you're crazy up front than to be an imposter
On your mark. Get set. Go get lost.
An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: "Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
Snooki has written another book, which is an amazing accomplishment considering she's still trying to learn how to read her first one.
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."
I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them
Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.
Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.
I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.
The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ
They are taking the old "I've got your nose" game WAY too seriously down in Miami!
If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.
HER: My dad thinks you're rude and inappropriate for me. ME: Screw your dad, there's people on Facebook who think I'm funny.
I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.. 