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I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas! 
I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems
I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...
I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...
A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.
i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers
Leave it to a collection of random motherf uckers I've never met to make me feel less like shi t, I love you guys
Hey people who like to start conversations with complete strangers, knock that s$it off.
I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon
Hell hath no fury like a woman bored.
Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."
Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”
Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'
Spell check is for the week.
*walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*
you know what's an odd habit? People who talk with their hands while talking on a cell phone........seriously.....who's that sh*t for?
California just released their "Obamacare" insurance rates. They are pretty low, so I'm assuming that the death panels are not included in the basic plan....
WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl
I wish karma would send me email notifications.
I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified...... 