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When one's heart is filled with the desire for earthly things, there is no room left for the spirituality of God. 
Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir
Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.
got a little captain in him
Its Jesus' birthday yet..... we're the ones getting the gifts.....How about that.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
DID YOU KNOW........Summer on Uranus lasts for 21 years - but so does winter.
Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.
Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!
typed this status update with his big toe. Today's update was brought to you by Dr. Scholls.
Favorite Animal is Grey Goose
Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.
My hats off to the Jets. They made Tom Brady look like Greg Brady.
chill... chill as a cucumber, man
: Ahhh, fall is is the air... and on my lawn, and on my car, and on my driveway...
I just descovered 3 words to make any teenager run in terror. "Time To Clean".....
Never go to Traffic Court and say, "Shut up, Your Honor...I'm not done talking."
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
I stood in front of the condom rack at the drug store and asked random people in the store if they knew if there was a size bigger than magnum... then I went and asked the cashier, "Where is the fitting room?"
Heard the best pick up line of my life last night: "Excuse me. Are you capable of an intelligent conversation?" 