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I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer. 
ink I am gonna celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then kill them and take their land. Happy Thanksgiving CANADA!!
Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.
I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...
It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."
New Year Resolutions are silly to me. If you're not on the right path already, the change of a new year won't help. Its just another day, just a different number.
Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.
Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"
Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.
Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.
Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!
Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.
I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....
I was going to change my facebook password to "penis" but it was rejected. Not long enough.
remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully. 