Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

   Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here.