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Keep calm and pretend it never happened. 
A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."
Personally, I think it's bull that Russia didn't host the Winter Olympics in Chernobyl
I buy all my snowstorm supplies at the liquor store
I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day
I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.
My daughter just asked me about evolution in line at Walmart.
Valentines Day: A woman is sitting at home with her husband and says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.
Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.
A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!
If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.
(1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators
Uber: Our drivers will use fake vomit to charge passengers for cleaning fees.
Cinnamon flavored whiskey...is that what the junior high girls are drinking these days?
I like my women, how I like my laptop, on my lap, turned on & virus free.
I'm kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few drinks on St. Patrick's Day.
Each time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.
Marry someone with a great personality. Looks fade away but boredom doesn't.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew. 