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I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face. 
I guess winning the Super Bowl wasn't the happy ending Robert Kraft was looking for.
Somewhere at this moment there is a masseuse with a ring from Super Bowl XXXVI walking into a Pawn Shop.
I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.
When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.
Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!
You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.
The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.
Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!
When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.
You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress
Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble. 