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I will avoid tomorrow those who eat Easter eggs today 
I just took some candy from my baby nephew. I must say it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be....
Okay, so Osama is dead, horraay, but there are still thousands of clowns haunting the earth!
that akward moment when someone says something really dumb just as the crowd gets silent
Now thinking that I had the 455.00 back that I spent on fireworks....
im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..
I wash my hands so many times a day, I couldn't contract OCD even if I wanted to.
Women use more words to drop subtle hints than to actually tell the thing.
I bet guys called Brendan wish they could get the drugs their parents were taking when they were picking baby names.
Sorry Monday...I'm just not that into you.
Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you
It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.
a social drinker. You're having one? Well so-cial I!
Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.
All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.
Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )
Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet
If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.
Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day? 