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you have permission to update my status to "is dead" when my time comes 
When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away".
Arguing with your Boss is like fighting a pig in mud. In the end , you will get dirty and he actually enjoys it.
To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)
The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket
That's ok. Iv'e been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.
if NASA scientists are so smart, why didnt they pay attention to physics...what goes up must come down
if I'm not sure wich one you are in the picture, I'm going to assume you're the ugly one
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? A man's undivided attention.
Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social networking, not a diary.
If you text me first it is YOUR opportunity to keep the conversation going...
At what point, did my pain become your pleasure?
been getting a lot of calls and texts about R.E.M.'s break up, relax people, it's not the end of the world as we know it.
I have to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner at 1 pm so that the restaurant is still open once she finally makes a decision
According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.
pretty sure he knows people who stood in line for a second helping of "a special kind of stupid."
That's not YOUR girl. She's OUR girl. We just keep her at your house, but she's both of ours.
Your not fooling no one! is a horrible use of double negatives, and its you're. *You're not fooling anyone would be the correct way
the 1st amendment gives you the freedom of speech but the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms
Be sure to drink your Charliesheen! 