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I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out... 
By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!
Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?
Hugo Chavez: First confirmed victim of sequester......
Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.
Selena Gomez made Justin Bieber cry by telling him Tom cruise is taken by another guy.
GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!
A study shows that breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness…from all the free drinks.
Found some old Playboys in the attic from the 70's, maybe they shpuld have named the magazine "Hair Club for Men".
If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
According to Bernie, no one working a 40 week should live in poverty. According to those who built America, no one living in poverty should just work 40 hours a week!
Always finish your salad, kids. A thousand islands died to make that dressing....
A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.
Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
some guy on the highway just flipped me off, I would have done it back but I would have had to put down my phone or candy bar. Wasn't worth it.
*NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.
(ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake??? 