Funny Status Messages

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...

   • Thank you Facebook for reconnecting me with the people I ignored in High School

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   My heart is in a relationship, but I am single - It's complicated.

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...