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Woke up and decided to do something crazy today so I went and had my va-jay-jay pierced! All the pain was worth it since now I pick up free XM Satellite Radio! I just can't stand in front of the microwave anymore. 
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Maybe the TSA is just offering prostate screenings as part of Obama's healthcare reform???
I'm not a chef. But I'd be happy to baste your turkey for you.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
As a white person, I was offended on just how "white" the cast in Twilight Eclipse were.
Charles D*ckens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.
I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.
Have 33 men you need pulled out of a deep, dark hole? Call Kim Kardashian's gynecologist.
You have 3 options: (1) Kiss me. (2) I kiss you. (3) Chloroform.
Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..
My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.
Billy the kid was so mean, he once shot a man for snoring, Me? I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
My manners disappear the more I have to repeat something. "Can you pass me the pen? The pen, can you pass it? Hello? GIVE ME THE F**KING PEN!!!"
Why I love winter: 1. Christmas morning with my kids 2. Snow 3. My wife keeps her clothes on during sex. 4. Liquor in my car stays cold
MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food. 