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Dear sweaty bum who sits on the stoop where I work. Clock me in at 6:45 and I promise to be there at noon to buy you a happy meal 
I think the use of steroids to grow our food is outta control, my apple has a beard
"I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"
Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?
I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!
My bark and bite are equally ineffectual
You make me hold it for 250 miles, good luck on the last twenty feet A$$HOLE!-Bladder
I am sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife that her ass don't look fat in those jeans and keep a straight face at the same time.
The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams.
I'm not saying you're an ugly person, but if your picture is on the cigarettes boxes, people will stop smoking
Considering the odds are about the same, I think it would be nice if we let the people literally "struck by lightning",, be the lottery winners...
A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.
The worst part about having multiple personalities is eating at a restaurant alone but getting an automatic 20% tip added to the bill.
Remember to always stay away from houses when there's a full moon. They turn into warehouses...
bought some beef jerky, or as its commonly known..a shoe repair kit
My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
I wonder what they talk about in water cooler factories?
2010: You're only cool if you have silly bands. 2011: Planking is the bomb! 2012: Let's go choke on cinnamon
There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."
A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it... 