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Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control. 
Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you....I got you a Carnival Cruise ticket
The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.
Why is my wife asking me for a watch for christmas? She already has one on the microwave and oven!
Watch the movie ZEITGEIST if you want to know the truth about....everything. The ugly, brutal truth "they" don't want you to know.
It's so hot I witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on my dead lawn.
Kiss me before I brush my teeth in the morning so I know your love is real.
My girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days.
Dear anyone who can finish an eraser, chapstick, and a pencil, without losing it: You're my idol!
You obviously dont know me very well. I'm smiling, and your not running...
When people with lisps say "Bithneth"......you KNOW they mean business.
To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.
My Mama is gonna be pissed when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.
You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.
To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
Don't you hate it when being polite and holding a door open turns into a "clowns in a car trick"?
Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish
Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option
I KNOW it's early,,, but I've already got a date lined up for Valentine's Day,,,,,,,,,,,,It's gonna be Feb.14th. 