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There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat. 
Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.
If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.
Women must care about flooring more than men. I don't know any man who has left a room because the carpet did not match the drapes, but yet many women are left disappointed by a lack of hard wood in their bedroom.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.
I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.
69% of everything a guy reads, he finds something dirty in it.
People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.
This man's so impressed with my driving that he got next to me just to show me he's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger..
Curiosity killed my virginity!
50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end by a "relationship status" on facebook.
I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.
Madonna flashed her rear end during NYC concerts, Urgeing fans to toss money on stage for "Hurricane Sandy Relief", she raised $38,000 and an additional $45,000 in pledges to the "Keep Madonna Clothed Foundation".
Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.
Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?
If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh??,,,,,, Then explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.
Remember this sign in a video store? "Nice people rewind tapes" 