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BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC. 
"I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin
Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.
You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.
Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...
Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.
rip willy wonka
SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us
Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale
A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....
The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.
Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.
I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest
To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up?
If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .
A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.
Your call to action went straight to voicemail.
Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!
botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence 