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Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
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04-22-2014 18:50 by
J
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Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.
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10-31-2011 05:28 by
flinnie
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I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.
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04-08-2012 08:27 by
snotty
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You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.
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05-14-2012 15:11 by
Baddie
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I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?
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01-01-2012 18:54 by
hihuggiehi
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I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"
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02-01-2011 09:52 by
Will
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Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...
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03-02-2011 21:16 by
Abbybaby34
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If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.
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09-29-2011 20:14 by
Aaron
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A friend of mine just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha Ching
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04-20-2011 05:58
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I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.
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04-21-2011 13:23 by
marq
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Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?
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07-28-2011 01:49
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A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."
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09-08-2011 10:19 by
Aaron
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Don't worry if you can't come up with a good Rapture joke. It's not the end of the world.
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05-21-2011 22:09 by
Leeroy Lee
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I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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10-02-2010 15:15 by
Marshall the Great
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After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.
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04-16-2010 20:39 by
bigedusw
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Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?
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08-03-2010 13:37
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Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"
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08-03-2010 14:27
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I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.
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11-25-2010 19:13 by
Aaron
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You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
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05-26-2013 08:10 by
flinnie
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."
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09-26-2010 15:01 by
Marshall the Great
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