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"Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line. 
wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck
Bacon would never leave you at the altar.
Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.
Love can be such a beautiful torture...
I know many Idiot Savants, just not with the Savant part.
Living life with the safety off.
Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"
I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare
"I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.
My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.
Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.
I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.
Every day is only a beer away from being a good one
I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.
The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.
I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.
As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.
Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me. 