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"I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving 
The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.
I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...
I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.
Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
You show me Karl Mark's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.
Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually
You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.
Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?
If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......
BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.
My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.
The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.
On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.
Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"
If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them
Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!
Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.
I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist 