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He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy 
Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.
Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener.
Adam Sandler looks like Don Flamingo from Mike Tysons Punchout.
“stalker” is such a harsh word.. I prefer “valentine”
happy palentines day, for those of you with the cant we just be friends relationships
miss the old days when my only worry of the day was begging my mom to drive faster to not miss pokemon (y)
The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.
What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.
I wish I was half the man my dog thought I was!!!
I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" LOL NO! you need to hibernate.
If you play "the next song that plays on shuffle is our song" game with me, you better be okay with "Batdance".
If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.
(posted on my wife's wall this morning) Good morning Sunshine. You see that stack of bills on the counter? That's how many times I thought of you today...
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"
Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.
Here's some advice. Stay Alive."
Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...
My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.
"You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan) 