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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch. 
I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.
No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.
Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.
My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.
I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten
If she looks beautiful even when she's mad, you're screwed.
You take the Kennedy assassination + That Clinton and Lewinsky thing + A pretty boss lady with small, slutty tendencies and BAM...You got a show on ABC called Scandal.
The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory
I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.
I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.
Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.
I'm available for drinking purposes only.
You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.
I'll fall for anybody that kisses my neck in the right spot So, yeah, I dated the goat from the petting zoo for a while.
Keep Calm and Keep scrolling... I got nothing funny to say here.
Come on people if you're gonna walk at night smoke a cigarette or something so I can see you, can't be having any more dents in my car.
The most important sense you have is humor.
If I were a spider, I would spice up my résumé by listing myself as a web developer. 