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Wake me up, before you go, ho. 
Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."
Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.
Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."
I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.
Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.
At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.
There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.
I'm going as a undecided voter this year.I'm going to be the one to pick out everyone's candy for the next 4 years.my candy choice will be made on little facts and zero intellectual reasons,leaving everyone to have terrible candy for 4 years.
Every day is independence day when you are single!
Women are like headphones, you get a lot of static if you put it in the wrong hole.
just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign
99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.
The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".
You know what would be better than leaving our porchlights on for Caylee tonight? Have hunters turn their spotlights on Casey and turn the hounds loose....
Why are you tryin so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out
if you text me "lol", I will reply "prove it"
"Sorry" isn't a verb so don't expect it to fix things for you.
MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.
K.Y. Slip-n-Slide party at my place tonight! 