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I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay. 
You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.
I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.
wonder I dyslexics if can read this.
Walmart sucks. (The money out of my wallet.)
I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"
"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
liking ones own status is a sign of self esteem. (X likes this)
's night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
do you ever look at someone and think 'out of 10,000,000 sperm YOU were the fastest?'
Fricken spellcheck. Looks like Santa will be bringing me a nice piece of glass this year.
caffeinating.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Woke up this morning to bacon frying on the grill, eggs cooking on the stove, biscuts in the oven, and a fresh pot of coffee :) Todays gonnah be good.
hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
Give your child a chance. Not a mohawk.
You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.
Today Facebook was down, so I had to actually talk to my people that didn't live in my computer... I haven't done that in a few years, hope I don't get sick!
My wife is getting real sick of me offering 'pen*s-cillin" every time she get sick. 