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Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!" 
The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo.
I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (
saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(
✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez ❒ Justin Beiber
FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.
I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."
Just sitting here thinking. We don't need more religion, we have plenty. What we need are more Christians, living a Christ like life!
I woke up on the sexy side of the bed this morning !
❒Flossin' ❒Ballin' ✔Bill Gaten'
last night I prayed for the Lord to stop me from going bald, and to regrow hair. This morning I woke up with a 6 inch hair growing out my ear. Well played Lord, Well played
You see son, when two girls love each other very much they have this CUP…
Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.
And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."
this isn't the status you're looking for 