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I'm not drunk, I just feel better. 
Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with built-in tasers?
The voters in Dallas are pushing to have a proposition added to the next election adding term limits for someone to own or be the gm for the cowboys.
The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.
Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.
First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.
Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.
"Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage
If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??
You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.
The problem with your relationship is, you're in a relationship.
Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.
I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.
I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.
One of the big differences between American English and British English is that americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts. 