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Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings. 
This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger
The Boy scouts just announced their new dont drop the soap derby.
I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!
She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope
Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.
Being a loyal woman does not mean you have to be loyal to his bullshi t too.
Apparently, I didn't use enough a$$hole repellent today.
I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..
At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"
Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."
Viva la French Toast!
I just found out there is an "acceptable" amount of radioactive iodine in water.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
if you're drunk and you know it hands your clap.
There was a box of donuts at work today with a note on it saying "help yourself". Great advice I thought. So I didn't have any donuts.
I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.
Try NOT. Do…or do not. There is no try. ~ Master Yoda (Star Wars) 