Funny Status Messages

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.