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Every day that I don't die is the best day of my life. 
No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.
Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker
thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.
Waiting for them to blame "Bush" for attacking Libya...just saying
Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...
Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here
wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.
I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.
So you watch a 30 minute video and think you're an activist now??? Ha
A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.
If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.
Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........
A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!
Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln
51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!
Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!
When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence. 