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I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!! 
I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.
I would like to see a soccer player play real football and a real football player play soccer and see who cries first.
I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.
This has been the worst Monday since last Monday.
the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.
My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.
They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake
It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.
Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.
Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.
At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago
I'd put down my phone for you.
2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.
I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave
Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.
Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?
The heart wants what the liquor store has.
The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera. 