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The world's oldest profession? Unemployment. 
I spend so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, I wonder what she would do for a Klondike bar?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af. Me in my 40’s: Same af.
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans. That's crossing the border.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
You think your week sucks? Tanya Roberts died twice!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If Isis starts targeting Golf courses, Obama will unleash hell on them.
BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever
I bought a race horse and named it "my face" just so I can hear women shouting "come on my face!"
Finally ALLOWED to use the computer. My dog has been on assbook all morning.
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
BREAKING: FEMA and National Weather Service to plug the eye of Hurricane Sandy by dropping Chris Christie into it to save New Jersey.
If you keep God inside your heart, there's nothing that will come into your life that you won't be able to handle. God is enough!
Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".
watching 'Earth Hour' simultaneously Online and on Television... It's kinda Dark... :/ 