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Dear haters, you cant fully find happiness if you cant just leave me alone to be happy 
Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew next to her. FML
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?
What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake? “Must be an earthquake.”
There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking
wouldnt it be ironic if you died in the living room ?
Real conversation I just heard ::: "oh hey grill how you doin'?!" -- "good, you" -- " good, where you working at now?" -- "oh, you know 'no where!'" --- "oh girl, dats the best job to have."
What does it mean if a man is laying in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? It means you didn't hold the pillow down long enough
Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm 50. Grab a saucer out the cupboard I gotta feed my kitty. Before I leave, brush my teeth, with a tube of Colgate, cause when I leave for the night, I'll be back by 8.
Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..
Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.
Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.
Apparently when you lose an election ... It is important to let the entire nation know that it was the other guys fault .... Just like when we were kids.
By law We should be allowed to run over one cyclist a month..
as it turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.
I used to go out with a homeless girl. It was great because after sex I could just drop her off anywhere
Our ancestors created America to get away from the crown. We shouldn't have to hear, and we don't give a puck about, the royal baby.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!! 