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A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich." 
Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.
I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.
When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.
Maybe guys should start drawing on their mustaches like women draw on their eye brows.
Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.
why is my check engine light coming on?? I know my engine is there because I just put oil in my radiator
Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.
Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.
I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.
Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.
Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.
I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.
He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw
It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something. 