Funny Status Messages

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...