flinnie Funny Status Messages

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.