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My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT. 
Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.
Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"
keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain
Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.
OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.
I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....
I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."
You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers
Finally, OJ can go after Nicole's murderer.
forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"
No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.
Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave them a glass of water.
I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.
My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.
This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.
Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.
Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.
Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247. 