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To show your new GF how classy you are when visiting her parents for the first time, ask for some matches before heading to the bathroom… 
My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?
I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....
Sometimes,,,, I don't like it at the grown-ups table.
“I never said she stole my money” has 7 different meanings depending on the word you stress...
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!
Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.
There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now
I buy cheap underwear because it's poorly manufactured and rips off easily without damaging his teeth.
Good things may come to those who wait but better things come to those who know how to use their tongue.
Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.
Got a shopping cart without a f*up wheel. Ballin!!!
Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.
I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.
Hand a man a jump rope and I will tell you if he is a sissy or not.
When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.
Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up. 