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I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them. 
There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.
Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?
Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.
How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.
Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"
My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."
A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.
apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.
The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.
FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......
No! but that's a really nice ski mask!
I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock
People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."
I just took the garbage out. In 3D
Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.
Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.
I love biting the ears and heads off chocolate Easter bunnies.
i dont trust people with so many studio photos
ready for them to release the photo of Bin Laden. He wants to print T-shirts and mugs that say "This is the face of terrorism." 