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For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids. 
Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.
Be creative, invent a perversion.
I hate it when I go to a convenience store and buy something with a nice clean neat bill and they give you change with crumpled up bills that look like they came out of a coal miners pocket !
I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...
Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?
I just ate a yogurt that expired two weeks ago ! ..................... Now I'm waiting ??
Life would be more bearable if our problems only lasted as long as Kim Kardashian's marriage.
If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...
I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.
dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.
Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.
No LinkedIn, I do not want to congratulate Gilbert on his new job.
I went for an interview at IKEA today and when I walked into the bossesoffice he said, “Please have a seat.” It took me nearly 6 hours, but I finally managed to put the seat together and sit down for the interview.
Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.
The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor... 