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If you own a dog you know... The Look... 
If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."
When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...
Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".
“I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!
Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.
I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.
I see your re-p0st and raise you a hand jerking off motion.
I wonder what Lebron got Delonte West for Father's Day?
What's with women and emotions? Whenever I find myself getting emotional, I just drink Vodka and I am cured.
Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.
One mans trash, is another mans daughter.
Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.
"Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.
When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.
I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown 