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Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?! 
Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...
gonna take the Christmas lights down...
I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!
My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon
Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply
Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."
A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.
I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.
If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.
My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.
Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.
So you think you can fly a plane would be a fun show to watch...
Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved
Gas stations should have happy hour
"Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka
Vodka is just awesome water.
After sex, I like to lay with you, cuddling, and whisper things in your ear like… “why are you still here??”
I am taking a second job as a Bounty hunter.. Well, I'm actually just looking for some paper towels in walmart.. Same difference..
The difference between "single" and "alone" is cats. 