Funny Status Messages

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.