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When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was. 
Some people think Obama's doing a good job, some think he's doing a bad job. I think about sex usually.
The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.
People make counterfeit money, but money also makes counterfeit people.
Thinking of Black Friday shopping in Ferguson this year. Heard you can grab some really good deals.
Sometimes I get mad watching my parents spend my inheritance money.
1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!
ME: "Hi kitty" CAT: "Wanna see my butthole?" ME: "No thanks kitty" CAT: "Imma show you my butthole"
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ
I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.
Dear mom and dad, please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent 3 years making airplane noises with it.
gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas STOP and now drop these motha$&@?!/ prices down!
If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper.
I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...
I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."
WILL WORK FOR LIKES!
Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.
Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward. “John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?”
A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets. You just don't know where to put your hands. 