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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial. 
A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.
If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
"Kicking butt and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club
How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?
I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.
does anyone else think that Bert and Ernie weren't so much 'funny ha ha' as they were 'funny...well...you know...
All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.
Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces....
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(
The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.
A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make you cry..that was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon
Success is just like being Pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were f%@ked.
There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.
Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?
We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer! 