Funny Status Messages

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   Never buy a car you can't push.