Funny Status Messages

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.