Funny Status Messages

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!