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I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything. 
Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.
If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??
Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.
To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.
Can someone please snort bath salts next time they see Justin Bieber in person?
I hate Monday's...... and condoms.
Just been on bigbustycoons.com What they do with those buses are amazing!!
Came home to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone..what kind of sick person would do that to someone's advent calendar??
"I'll get you, gadget. Next time." --Dr. Claw, window shopping at the sharper image
If you can't take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.
I am the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.
How times have changed. I remember dialing 07734 to a pager to say hello!
The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards.
ok,,, I am that person that pulls the door that says push and wonders what's going on*/*
Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.
my ex got run down by a lorry today.i thought "wow,that could have been me!" but I cant drive a lorry!
I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...
bad Facebook!! you almost made me take out that row of mailboxes
no keys were harmed in the making of this status quote. 