Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door. 
If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.
My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.
I've single handedly defeated my erection.
You know some sh*t is about to go down when she turns her phone sideways to type.
Maybe Fedex and UPS need some of those delivery drones!
If she watches trash tv that's how her personality is too
When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.
Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?
Apparently "white privilege" doesn't include getting to pick out a koala and just take it home from the zoo.
I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.
I'm working on a plan to meet every one of my friends in person this year. I'm calling it the all-in-persons project.
I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...
Read somewhere that there are 32 accepted spellings for Ghadafi. May I also suggest "K'Daffy."
If I put half as much effort into my relationships as I put into charging my phone I might not die alone...
They don't miss you when you're gone . . they miss you when you move on
"I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.
people will damn believe anything if you whisper it.
This may be the wine talking but... "Help! He's drinking me.., he's drinking me!"
Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever. 